summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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