What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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