wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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