I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just had sex bonerless
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
