new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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