if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
