so explain again why im purple
no
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize