Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
