Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
