I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
