I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am one with the molecules
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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