Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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