It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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