I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
