**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
