so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How naked do you want me to be?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize