I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
