Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
