I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
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