Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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