that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
