Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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