I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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