Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize