this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
