I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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