I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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