Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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