i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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