I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
