Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize