All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
