if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
