walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
