why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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