he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
