I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
