ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
