I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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