Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
