She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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