you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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