I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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