im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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