it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
