If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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