You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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