i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize