I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
