Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
