my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
