i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
