we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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