i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
