I want to walk on stilts...naked
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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