I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My bed smells like the plague
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
