You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
