The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Even my vagina gasped.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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