i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
